This past Monday marked one month until I leave for my new home in San Francisco. It feels surreal. One month is not a long time, and with it being the holidays, I know it will fly by. I'm happy to say that I don't feel any doubt or any need to question my decision to relocate. Honestly, I feel really at peace. If you've been reading for a while now, you know that I've definitely questioned this decision, been overwhelmed and felt restless. It wasn't too long ago that I cried to my mom, so unsure of what I should do and so worried that I would make the wrong decision. Now, it seems that everyday I get a little sign that makes me happy I'm in Wisconsin right now or that California is the right decision. If in a year it doesn't work out, or I move somewhere else, I can accept that. Before, I was looking at those outcomes as failures, rather then just letting them be what they are. Possibilities. Nothing is set in stone. Anyways, I'm just feeling thankful that right now, I'm content. Just another reminder that through confusion, doubt, and fear, clarity will come eventually.
As I'm getting closer to the departure date, I find myself thinking about things as being "the last time..." It sounds morbid, but its true. There are a lot of things that could possibly be the last time I experience them in this city or with these people. My mom and I decorated our tree recently and I couldn't help saying, "This will probably be the last time we do this together." I went to the library today and got more books then I will probably be able to read in one month, so that was probably my last time going there as well. These realizations are sad. Or maybe bittersweet is a better word. Because yes, while it makes me sad that I probably won't be home next year to decorate the tree with my mom, realizing this makes the current moment that much more special. So while I am filling this month with a bunch of "last times," I'll be feeling lucky that I get a whole month full of moments that mean so much more then they ever have.
As much as I wish I could spend all of my time with family, friends, or doing things I love, I have to dedicate some of this month to packing. I believe I mentioned it before, but when I set out for San Francisco, it will be with my mom, driving from Wisconsin to California. Once we arrive, she'll fly home and I'll probably end up selling the car. We won't be renting a U-Haul or pulling a trailer, so my personal belongings are going to be narrowed down into what can fit in my tiny Nissan. I have just begun to think about what is best to bring and what I should buy once I get there. Looking around my room and all of my possessions, it is unavoidable that I will have to do a lot of letting go. I'll have to really think about the things that mean the most to me and say goodbye to the ones that don't. I'm kind of excited though. Packing, organizing and letting go are all a part of starting fresh and making room for the future. So for the next month I'll be saying a lot of goodbyes and doing a great deal of preparing for the move. Don't you worry though, I'll still be making time to start new paintings, sip on a cup of tea, wear my favorite slippers and try to enjoy every moment of my "last" month here.